I have been childfree since I was a child. I only possess maternal instincts toward cockatoos, squirrels and other cute fluffy animals. As for human babies? They remind me of the grubs you dig up in the garden.
Lately, I have been attacked by friends, family and even perfect strangers for my decision not to have children. "You'll change your mind!" they say. "You'll have SIX of 'em!" Sometimes, they even have the nerve to tell me that the right man will come along and change me into the nurturing, soft-bellied domestic woman that my vagina has predisposed me to be.
I've had enough! How do I tactfully convince them to respect my personal decision and keep their opinions to themselves?
Hears Dinner Bells, Not Biological Clocks,
Tactfully? Pff. I would've ripped them a new one if I were you....wait, they've probably already had episiotomies. Never mind.
Those dipshits are making unnecessary assumptions about your vagina. Perhaps, you could return the favor and say, "My, I hope your husband enjoys throwing hot dogs down a hallway!" or something to a similar effect.
Okay, so maybe that's a bit harsh, and maybe a soft-spoken "Please shut the fuck up mind your own goddamned business" with a curtsy and a tip of the hat would suffice. But here's bottom line: don't EVER feel guilty for standing up for your life's choices.
Psychiatrists have a term for their asinine behavior. It's called projection. They wish they could be, oh, say, sexy bellydancers with very high I.Q.'s, so they impose their regrets and their bullshit onto people who have what they don't. It's like coughing on the world because you're pissed that you have mono.
Keep being you, you sexy beeyatch.
Prefers Babies With a Nice Red Wine,
Ever since the dawn of time, childfree women have had to put up with shit. After all, it's human nature to be selfish and it's human nature to spawn. Those who opt out of this evolutionary design are different and maybe even threatening.
But seriously. No means no, people. It's just plain effin' rude to tell a perfect stranger that she will have TEH BA-AYYY-BEEEEZZZZZ someday, and it's EVEN RUDER to tell the stranger that she is wrong, when she insists that she knows herself and you need to mind your own business.
I was waiting to check out at TJMaxx this morning. This woman with a huge stroller was standing in front of me, MOANING at her baby. I shit you not, she was moaning at the kid, just as me and Diana used to moan at each other.
I just kind of looked away, for fear that I'd interrupted a creepy intimate moment. I must have looked uncomfortable, for the woman turned to me and said, "Someday, it'll be YOU making stupid noises at your baby!"
I just sort of looked her up and down and said, nonchalantly, "No, it won't."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" she asked.
"I am NEVER having kids," I said proudly. "I already have enough fun making stupid noises at my friends, anyway."
"YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND," she said. "I didn't want kids when I was young, but NOT I AM BLESSED!"
("Blessed?" I felt like saying. "Try condemned.")
"I'll never change my mind," I said. "I've hated children since I was a kid, myself. I am never, ever having children."
THEN, the worst part is, the woman behind me, who is standing there with her teenage daughter, says: "YES YOU WILL. YOU'LL HAVE SIX OF 'EM!"
I gave her a look of death and said, "I will be a chiropractor someday. I actually have a legitimate GOAL in life."
She says, "But you can be a chiropractor AND a mom!!!!!!"
The woman ahead of me stopped moaning at her kid to say, "All young girls say they don't want kids, and then they have babies when they turn thirty!"
I was fuming at this point, and said, "But some people ACTUALLY MEAN IT when they say they don't want kids. Who are you to say that everybody who isn't like you doesn't know what they are talking about?"
Then, the woman behind me says, in a snotty voice, "Well, I guess it's good that people who hate kids don't have 'em."
"I agree," I said. "People should only have kids because they want them, not because it makes them feel special. Our planet is overpopulated because too many people make poor decisions."
It shut them right the hell up.
Okay, so maybe I came off as being a little bit of an uppity, hard-ass intellectual bastard. But, you know, it's pretty fucking rude to make such huge assumptions about the lives of people you don't know. I don't go around and make dumbass comments to people about their salaries or occupations or families. There's nothing cute about insisting that your way of life is the best for everybody, even if you say it with a smile on your face. I never go up to pregnant women and tell them to abort, why should gooey Christian-freak mothers tell me that I must be deluded if I don't want to turn my vagina into a clown car?
Also, it's just in poor taste. What if I'd just had a miscarriage or found out that I couldn't get pregnant?
It's funny how women oppress each other (and themselves) probably even more than men oppress us. It's like a lot of women make sure to keep the bullshit coming just because they know they would be terribly uncomfortable if patriarchy went the way of the Members Only jacket. So they make sure not to allow anybody to enjoy freedoms to which they've been denied. This was a phenomenon I noticed a lot of as a bellydancer. Some women would just go out of their way to make rude comments because they felt it would set them back in the right to knock me and my friends down a peg. Men would do this, too, but to a lesser extent. Usually, men gave me crap because they were scumbags or didn't know how to react, but not because they felt jealous or morally superior.
So much ranting, and I didn't even begin to cover my long, horrendous week of being sexually harassed by male customers!
On the brighter end of things, my back's been a whole lot better ever since I started stretching with a Swiss ball and befriended my iliopsoas. Maybe there's actually hope for dancing again...